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Apples to Oranges
The reason I’m writing this is because Apple just had their annual keynote and you can watch it right here if you want to follow along while you read this. It will make more sense if you watch it because I start to ramble on towards the end.
Let me start this off by saying that I still love some of Apple’s products. I’m writing this from a new iMac and I couldn’t be happier with it. However, I’m not one of those people who blindly follow Apple and buy anything they come out with. I bought the iPhone 3G when it came out because, at the time, it was revolutionary. But times have changed and so has the technology. And yet Apple continues to be late to the game with almost everything they come out with while at the same time claim to be paving the way. That being said, here’s my review of this year’s Apple Keynote…
It mostly seems to be a pep rally where all the Apple fanboys can come to engorge their…mac brains. Although, even at the beginning of the keynote they almost needed an applause sign to tell them when to get excited. And I used to be one of those people who really enjoyed watching these keynotes to see all the NEW stuff that they were coming out with. But that’s just not the case this year. Almost everything they show has been done before. So I apologize in advance for running out of ways to say, “Android has been able to do this for a long time now.”
15 minutes into the Apple keynote and I’m blown away…no more scroll bars in safari??? Revolutionary! Swipe gestures??? I wish I could do that now! Oh wait, I can. I can do almost everything they’ve talked about with my current iMac. But what about that auto save feature? Wouldn’t that be nice when working on a document? Yes, it would. And that is why I use Google docs (total cost: $0) which saves my documents every five seconds. Google also automatically backs up my contacts and I can reset them to a previous save point incase I lose my contacts or want to revert to an old set.
At this point in the keynote I hit fast forward because I really wanted to hear about their cloud system. So let me know if I missed anything revolutionary. And by the way, selling your colorful software for $29.99 is not revolutionary, it’s worth less than that. The only thing I would consider revolutionary would be if they came up with a “sarcasm font” so that I could type things like…”Fullscreen Photobooth? I can’t wait to have fun making all those goofy photos with my other tween friends!”
I’m a big fan of being presented overinflated and misconstrued statistics in a bright and colorful way. That’s why I always loved Sesame Street! And Apple loves to play the “Look how high we can count!” game. They just keep throwing big numbers at the crowd to look impressive. However, these numbers don’t really mean much. I’ve got some pretty impressive numbers that show Android blowing the iPhone out of the water but I just don’t care enough to put them up here. “We’ve got hundreds of thousands of apps…each one personally approved by his holiness, Stevie.” Pan to audience giving each other reach-arounds.
Ok, now we get to hear about iOS5. Congratulations iPhone fans, you now have a taste of what Android owners have had for over a year now. Most of the crowd is clapping out of frustration that it has taken this long to get these very basic features.
Notifications…”we know Android did it better so we’re just gonna flat out copy their system”…literally. I found myself literally laughing out loud when Dax Shepard dragged his finger down from the top. Been doing that shit since 2010, dork.
When push comes to shove your iPhone will always look like everyone else’s. Whereas my Android phone (I have an htc Evo) looks and operates completely different from other people who have my same phone.
Ok, newsstand isn’t bad but good luck getting me to pay for what’s already free.
Quickly post photos to various social media outlets…again, same system I’ve been using for over a year now.
Reminders is a nice rip off of the color note app on the Android market. Although, Apple doesn’t allow widgets so these notes that need to be easily accessed are not as fast as androids widgets. Sorry Stevie…widgets on the homescreen are the shit…can’t wait for you to copy that one.
Lockscreen widgets, once again I’ve been doing this for quite some time now. The only difference is that mine are better and more customizable.
Almost all of the features added to the camera app I have had for a while. None of this is big news.
I don’t give a shit about their mail app, Gmail will always be king of that mountain.
Wireless syncing, is this last year’s Google keynote?
Over The Air updates…I won’t even say it.
Game Center…i’ll buy an iPod touch when they make them over 100GB.
Their new messaging system has been available in a wide variety of apps on the Android market for over 2 years now. Their text messaging app does remind me how god awful the iPhone keyboard is. I don’t know how that hasn’t been updated yet.
79 minutes into the keynote and we finally get to hear about iCloud. Keep in mind I’ve already had all my music in Google’s cloud for over a month now so it’s gonna be hard to impress me.
Visual learners are really enjoying this part. Yeah, we know what “the cloud” is…two other major companies have already done this. “We think it’s way more than that…we think it’s something we can overcharge you for.”
This is what you claimed to be able to do before, whilst charging a hundo to do so. (mobile me)
I don’t have ads on my mail app either, Stevie.
GOOGLE OFFERS THIS SHIT FOR FREE, STEVIE!
What about the songs I GOT, not the songs I BOUGHT…Stevie? “No, you have to buy all of your songs from me!”
iTUNES iTUNES iTUNES…FOO FIGHTERS…THE FIGHTER…MARKY MARK…PURCHASE MARKY MARK FEATURING BRUNO MARS BEING FUCKING LAME!!!
Not really free…is it, Stevie? Make sure you got a $100 mobile me account.
5 GB…That’s unbelievable Stevie! I get to upload 20,000 songs to Google Music. That’s a bit more than 5GB.
No Stevie, the chances are not good that you have all the songs I have in your store.
It took 3 days to upload everything, and I mean EVERYTHING that I have in my iTunes to Google Music. It took all my playlists and everything. Weeks? Give me a fucking break Stevie. What, are you on dial up over there? Let me just reiterate this one more time…it does not take weeks to upload your entire music catalog to Google Music. It takes maybe a weekend but you get ALL of your music. Not just what iTunes says you can have.
Bottom line is, Apple wants you to do/buy everything through them. Google knows you shouldn’t have to. Now I know I’ve been a little cynical throughout this post but I just wanted to shed some light into the dark hole that Apple fanboys live in. Don’t get me wrong, you’ve got a great phone. But it’s certainly not the best. So stop acting like it is. By letting Stevie have ultimate control over your phone you are getting a phone that COULD do a bunch of cool stuff but isn’t ALLOWED to.
So come on Matt…let me know how wrong I am. Everyone else…I hope you learned something.
If you hate that ke$ha person and think she is kicking music in the nuts, check this out. At least someone is making her shitty music a little better.
